Secure, exclusive, long term Relationships and Red Tights

Today we will be interrupting our usual super fun, super loving LGBTQ programme for a few other titbits. First of all, the few darling, daring readers that I do have may be surprised and happy to know that I have just moved to England to be with the darling, daring L Yes, yes, we have taken the plunge and as she put it, have moved past dating and into a, “secure, exclusive, long term relationship.” Scary stuff, no?

My little, comfortable, “still living at home with Mummy, Daddy, And Sissy,” bum has had to adjust to both life abroad and life without my family. So far there haven’t been many tears due to homesickness, but I’m sure the best of that is still to come. It has been strange to move into a small apartment, to have to deal with bureaucracy, and the ever persistent “twiddling thumbs, nothing to do,” syndrome as I sign up (and interview) for school, try to find a job, but I’m sure that it will be one adventure that’s very worth the frustration and fear. Living on a prayer, baby!

So, in other news. Tonight L and I will be attending a family party.  I’m so, so sick of lounging around in jeans, t-shirts, and flats in THE flat and can’t wait to get that party dress on. There’s something so, so nice about coming back to comfort after having been dreadfully uncomfortable all evening. To the tomboys out there, going out in jeans really doesn’t compare. Ask any girly girl.

While trying to decide what to wear we have not only encountered trying to look like a couple without looking alike (another topic, for another day), but something completely non-gay related for me. I have just discovered that there are risks in fashion. Wow. Am I the only one that was surprised by this? Yes? Fair enough. I’ve always been of the school of thought that I know what looks good and once you’ve found the safe stuff, you don’t wanna stray too far. Sure, I’ll put on a weird hat or brooch now and then, but really it ends there. And so it should, right? RIGHT?

Maybe not.

Red tights look like a great idea on TV, they look like a great idea in Kate Spade ads. Here’s a major bummer though, when you buy some garish, loud, risky red, opaque tights? They scare you a bit. You become incredibly unsure, you don’t exactly know if you can, or want to, pull it off.

There’s no NEED for red tights either, you have a perfectly safe, perfectly comfortable pair of more subdued purple ones.

I would have loved to have ended this by telling you that I took the risk and that it was very worth it. Alas, no, that’s not the case. (Lesson Learned: not all blog posts are set ups for life lessons. We do not live in a perfect world) There was no risk, but there was one rather subdued, but also rather lovely shade of royal purple. Brave red will have to wait for its moment, but I’m sure it will come.

I hope nobody was too bored with this mini-break from the things I normally talk about. Maybe it was fun to see another, frequently visited side of me.

 

Scary

Stay off the streets, kiddos,

~N

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The Joy? of Teen Sex

The interwebz has raised some doubts about a new Channel 4 tv programme called, “The Joy of Teen Sex.” Critics are saying that the show takes away the option of saying no to sex, by claiming things such as, “By the time the average UK teen hits the age of consent (16 in the UK) he or she has had 6 different sexual partners.”

Since I’m really not someone who will turn down watching tv about sexual education and because I don’t believe in always blindly following what people are saying without having seen it myself, I sat down to watch it.

The first thing that startled me was how stupid teenagers seem to be. Don’t get me wrong I understand that it may be hard to get sexual education at the moment and that I may just be the wrong person to take as the norm, because I’ve always found it fascinating. The programme features a girl who refuses every type of contraception offered to her while still sleeping around, a girl who believes she’s immune to catching a sexually transmitted disease.

(I hear we’re calling them sexually transmitted infections these days. Why, is that less of a stigma?)

The show definitely tries to be inclusive to different sexualities by featuring a gay boy (who works as a drag queen) and a gay girl. However, the advice that they both receive from the “Team of Sexperts” seems to be rather heteronormative. The gay boy comes to the “Sex Advice Shop,” because he has a fear of anal sex and it’s keeping him from partaking in any sexual activities. He himself says that at 20 this is reducing his quality of life.

The Team speaks frankly about how anal sex is likely to hurt a little and encourages him to try experimenting on himself first. They’re blunt about the need for lubrication and how “anal sex is a slow process.” So far, so good, right? Yea, that’s all amazing and great, but what bothers me is that anal sex seems to be displayed as the only thing two men can do in bed together. I’m not a gay man, I can’t say I’ve talked to too many gay men about sex, but I can’t believe that that’s all there is. Is this another one of those things where the heterosexual world only has a certain kind of sex in their head?

After the boy’s segment there’s a quick message to make sure that teens understand that you shouldn’t let anyone pressure you into anything and that safe(-r) sex comes first.

(I’ll get off my gay man soap box now, because sooner or later someone will yell at me for not being qualified to talk about this since I a) do not have a penis and b) do not have all that many gay man friends.)

The lesbian comes in to ask about some things that girls could do in bed together, because her sex life has been largely with her on the receiving end and involved a lot of roleplay etc.

What’s the first sex position shown to her? You guessed it, scissoring. Now, I don’t know about you, but I’d say scissoring is a rare endangered animal. It’s a porn thing, isn’t it? It’s usually quite acrobatic and doesn’t quite get anyone off. There’s also no elaboration on the fact that scissoring is one kind of position in the wide spectrum of tribadism (quite the ugly word if you ask me and I don’t blame word’s spell check for underlining it).

Next up is 69. Fair enough, don’t have too many objections to that as I think that’s a lot more common in most people’s sex life than scissoring, but I think a lot of the time 69 is added to produce a certain type of pop culture shock value. 69 is that thing we were giggling about in 6th grade. It’s everywhere. People clothing, children’s clothing, and 1969 is often times regarded as THE year of the sexual revolution (a lot of the people that were part of it will tell you it was actually all about 1965).

We come to the third and final image. A girl hovering her body over another girl’s mouth and being eaten out. First off, hot. Second off, yummmmm… Thank you, Joy of Teen Sex, you provided me with soft core porn that’s definitely more hot and more realistic looking than youporn. I appreciate that. A lot. No objections, because it was hot.

Scrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech!

That’s it. That’s the most common sexual positions for lesbians according to the Sexperts. (Don’t get too pissed, darlings, L and I still fight about what the ultimate lesbo sex act may be) Technically I don’t like that type of thinking. I don’t like boxes, I don’t even like that vaginal intercourse is regarded THE number one sex act for heterosexual couples, because I see that view as quite limiting. But maybe that’s just me. I think society as a whole disagrees with me on that.

The programme goes on to feature the most common lesbian sex aid according to straight people. Strap on galore! I just did a post on penetration, didn’t it? Was that post about how many gay women honestly don’t want to be penetrated? Yes, yes, indeed. It’s not that strap on sex itself bothers me (Quite the contrary, just ask L), but once again it’s those boxes. Women need a dick to fuck (Pardon my French). The young lesbot, that really hasn’t had all that much sexual experience isn’t told to enjoy her partner’s body and get to know it…no, she’s told to bring in the silicone. That’s just a bit SDRAWKCAB (backwards) to me.

All in all, “The Joy of Teen Sex,” doesn’t seem all that joyful to me. Is the title of the programme meant to be ironic? Is that the famous English Humour? Yes, there are STDs, yes, we do need to be educated, yes, we do need to be safe. BUT is all that taking away from the joyful experience? Teenagers nowadays don’t seem to be having any sort of fun with sex. It’s one big mass of pleasing peers.

It’s not that promiscuity bothers me. As I’ve said before, I wish I could be the type of person who could exist in an open relationship, because in theory it seems like the ideal way of living to me. However, I’m far too possessive and far too eager to feel somewhat possessed to live like that. What bothers me is having sex to please others. I wish these types of programmes would be more focused on teaching teenagers a positive, self-respecting view on sexuality rather than focusing on technique.

However, it’s definitely something that’s a bit of a laugh to sit down to. And hey, who knows, maybe it’ll even open up communication about certain sensitive issues with your partner.

 

Not so joyful…

Happy viewing, everyone!

~N

 

p.s. It was lovely to see how our dear gay boy chose not to run off and have sex just because he overcame his fears. 🙂

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Certain Folks are so not into Penetrative Strokes

Ever since people I know started reading this blog I’ve tried my very best to avoid the sexual topics, which is a bit ridiculous because the people who DO know me that I tend to not avoid that topic in day to day conversation. Depending on who you are and what my relationship to you is we’ve probably talked about intimate things such as Brazilian waxes, strap on sex, and even the occasional pro/con discussion on anal. So, what the hell (DISCLAIMER: Mummy, if you ever read this, I’m sorry.)! Maybe it’s my impending move to rather anonymous England, but I think I’ve sort of stopped caring about whether or not people call me a nympho or a whore behind my back. The later seems a bit ridiculous, because as much as the sex positive feminist in me wants to be a slut…I can’t. I love my girly and only want to sleep with her.

 

 

The Girlfriend (L.) and I have been noticing a little phenomenon around us lately. Lesbians who hate penetration, lesbians who are never, no way, no how, ever, EVER willing to even try it. A pal of ours even refuses to use tampons, because, “She doesn’t like penetration, dude!”

 

Now, being the huge geek that I am, I’ve googled and googles. I want to understand I want to know why. Obviously I understand why some more male identified lesbians don’t want penetration. We get it, you want to do the fucking. (I won’t say much more on butch women, because I really don’t feel qualified.) But with your every day average Jane lesbot…what is up with that? You gotta TRY it to say whether or not it feels good!

 

"Google that shit, man!"

 

Here is the reasoning I found online and in my circle of friends:

 

  1. I’m gay, man, I’m not into men.

 

Okay, yea, I get that, but guess what…me neither! Nor do I associate a strap on or fingers with a penis. It simply feels good…and both are being handled by a lovely lady. Do they both have a phallic-ish shape? Yes, because of WHERE they’re supposed to be inserted. Though I have seen dildos shaped like dolphins and never in my life seen a glittery purple penis.

 

Unless you’re into a bit of gender role-play (more power to ya)…chances are neither the person doing the fucking nor the person being fucked is thinking about penis.

 

 

  1. That shit hurts.

 

Really? Really?! Grab some lube and join the party.

 

 

  1. I’ll loose control, I’ll feel vulnerable.

 

Yea, you might…and yes, you probably will. There’s a reason for why some women *cough* cry after sex. You DO feel vulnerable and you DO have to trust the other person with that part of yourself.

 

 

  1. I don’t want to be disrespected.

 

Now, I can only speak for my relationship here, but being penetrated does not mean that someone’s making you their hoe (unless you’re into that, even if just for a night.)

 

The overall consensus seems to be that everyone’s afraid of what may come with the territory. Why can’t we all just lean back, stop thinking about the implications, not think so much, go with the flow, and enjoy.

 

If you’ve tried it and it didn’t rock your world, fair enough. Different strokes for different folks, but ya gotta give a stroke a chance!

 

"I come in blue, black, camouflage, pink, purple, green...studded, glittered, bedazzled..."

 

Happy love making, everybody!

 

~N

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Love/Hate looking Straight

I look straight. I’ll admit it. Really straight. As much as I felt like there was a big rainbow spotlight on me all throughout my closeted high school years…I think I have to own up to the fact that everyone was shocked and surprised when I came out. I got the, “Maybe you’re just bi…” and the, “It’s a phase, honey,” and also the occasional, “Noooo, noo…no way…really? REALLY?!”

 

I won’t lie, it comes in handy. I rarely ever get anti-gay slurs thrown at me. I can stay in the closet in certain situations. I can go out with my girly girls and not stick out like a sore thumb. No one expects me to be able to handle a screw driver.

 

It’s also really annoying. I swear, some people don’t need to come out to as many people as I do every day. I’d like to be able to look really, really f*cking gay. I had the short, edgy Agyness Deyn haircut. I felt stylish, I felt queer, and I felt good. It didn’t tip anyone off and it started to feel foreign to me. I have to try too hard to be dyke-y. So, I threw out the studded belt, the men’s jeans, and the dyke humour tees.

 

I’m in a gay bar…and people think that I’m the classical, straight fag hag.

 

Why can’t I feel comfortable in flannel? Look femme, but still be edgy enough to be noticeably queer?

 

Alas, I can’t seem to get the hang of it. I need my girlfriend with me to look gay.

 

Do you make straight people go, “Homo please!” or does your own kind reject you?

Hipster Glasses

 

I’ll go work on my swagger now,

 

~N.

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Filed under Coming Out, Culture, Stereotypes, Terminology

Bisexuality

“I’m not saying “everyone is basically bisexual.” I think that’s bullshit. Some people are clearly not bisexual. Some people are clearly gay or straight. And even though most people do have at least some capacity to be attracted to both/all genders, that still doesn’t make them “basically bisexual.” Sexual identity is complicated — it’s about political identity, cultural identity, sexual history, romantic and relationship preferences, etc., as well as basic sexual attraction. And when people are deciding which identity (if any) works best for them, they get to decide for themselves which of these factors gets priority.”
~ Greta Christina – The Case of the Missing Bisexual

 

I have a confession to make. (No, L, you can start breathing again, I’m not bisexual) In my mind I discriminate against bisexuals. Never openly. But in my mind all those terrible, terrible myths about bisexuals ring very true. Have I ever had a bad experience with a bisexual? Not directly. I think it’s just all those “bi” people in the media that got to me over time. So, let me go through some myths on bisexuality and tell you what I think about them…and what else I think about them that I’d maybe never tell anyone.

Disclaimer: I know some of these things are terrible and not true, but I’m trying to have an open dialogue here. Only through understanding can myths be dismissed.

Myth One: Bisexuals are incapable of having a long term, monogamous relationship.

I know this can’t be true, I know that bisexual people do not need both a man and a woman at the same time; I know they can be perfectly happy with one person, BUT I can’t seem to understand how someone who is attracted to both genders could ever be exclusive without missing the other sex. Don’t you sleep with a guy and miss boobs? Sleep with a girl and miss penis?

This may just be insecurity on my part, because I personally feel like I couldn’t satisfy a bisexual, because there are certain things that I just couldn’t give to her no matter how hard I tried. I can get out a strap on, sure, but I’m never going to have a penis. I can “butch” up, but I’m never going to have truly masculine character traits.

Myth Two: Bisexuality doesn’t exist. You’re either gay or straight. There is no in between.

I definitely disagree, I think there definitely is such a thing as bisexuality, but I think it’s very rare to find. When you look at the Kinsey Scale you see how broad the spectrum of sexual diversity really is and I think it’s very rare to find a person who really is smack dab in the middle. Usually it’s all shades of grey. One bisexual may prefer women, another may prefer men (correct me if I’m wrong).

And of course we also have that very popular act of coming out as bi, because it’s “easier.” People, don’t do that. You’re taking away a lot of true bisexual people’s credibility.

Myth Three: Everyone is bisexual.

I agree and I disagree again. When you look at the Kinsey Scale you really DO see all shades of grey, so I think that it’s just as hard to hit the extreme gay as it is to hit the extreme heterosexual. As my girlfriend likes to say, “Sexuality is fluid,” so in our lives, whether we’re GLBTQ or straight, we have all felt attraction to both sexes at some point. However that doesn’t mean that we’re all bisexual. I think that most people go through a phase of doubt at one point or another in their lives and then find what feels right for them. And for some people that phase of doubt reoccurs later in life and may bring them to another identity, which explains how some people legitimately can live and love in a homosexual relationship for years, then break up, and live and love in a heterosexual one, even if they said they identified as gay before. It doesn’t mean they were lying. Something changed.

Myth Four: Bisexuals are more accepted in straight society.

Honestly? When it comes to female bisexual I think I agree, because I know that a lot of guys would feel more comfortable with me if I were bi. It throws them off that no, there is no way that I would be with them and even makes them want to try to push my boundaries. If I was bisexual, they wouldn’t feel the need to push so hard, because their male ego would know that if I wasn’t in a committed relationship they could have me. I know that thought is ridiculous and silly, but it’s actually been laid down to me like that by some men. Some men, only some, really do feel threatened by knowing that a woman is fundamentally not going to want them.

As for bisexual men…I have no idea, but will definitely ask some of the bisexual men that I know. Do people think you’re confused gay men?

Oh, Kinsey

See, when I write it down on paper like that I feel like I have no hang ups, but if I was out with a girl and she told me that she’s bisexual…I would have a hard time asking for a second date. I will write that one off as my own personal insecurity. You’re all lovely people and friends, but I couldn’t be in a relationship with you.

It’s not you, it’s me.

~N

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Filed under Coming Out, Culture, Relationship, Stereotypes, Terminology

Gay Research Paper Galore

When you enter the 12th grade at a German school you automatically have to start preparing for a big research paper that will replace one of the major exams in whichever subject you chose to complete it.

 

I’m aiming for getting to write mine in sociology. To begin with I wanted to write it on sex ed and whether or not it’s the parents’ job or the school’s to inform children and young adults about the risks and responsibilities that go along with having sex, but the more I’ve been keeping my eyes open lately…the more badly I’d like to do it on the treatment of LGBTQ youth at German schools.

 

I can’t really compare my German school to the school that I went to in NJ, because I wasn’t aware of being gay then and definitely not aware of whether or not LGBTQ teens were discriminated against. I’m assuming that my school in the States had a GSA (Gay-Straight Alliance), because from what I’ve heard that’s pretty normal, standard stuff in the states by now. (EDIT: I asked an old classmate of mine and he said that yes, we did although there were only about two out gay people at our school that he knows of.) The phrase, “That’s so gay,” may be a very common thing, but as a norm it seems like people are at least trying to fight against discrimination.

 

Over here discrimination is subtle. If you go to a “high academics” secondary school it’s pretty un-cool to be against gays, especially as a girl, though guys still seem to think that in order to show how tough they are they need to call each other, “Gay Anal Rapists,” and of course, “Fags.” My aunt is a lesbian, substitute teacher at a school that’s among the “lower academics” secondary schools and she says that she’s careful to always have something feminine on, because her short hair has the students guessing whether or not she might be gay. Their finding out that she might be a raging homosexual seems to terrify her.

 

I’d like to go through some of the LGBTQ youth centres that we have here and pass out surveys to see how other gay teenagers view this kind of treatment and whether other people witness more aggressive cases of homophobia!

 

I sure hope my idea gets cleared by the teacher, I’m honestly a bit afraid of coming out to him in the process, because there are certain teachers that I like to keep my private life private from and as far as I know none of them know what my sexual orientation might be. I may stand up for gay rights in class, but I’m always pretty discrete about it.

 

Rainbows, Rainbows!

Rainbows, Rainbows!

 

Wish me luck!

 

~N

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Wow, Rachel Maddow

I am so impressed with this woman and her ability to stay calm while talking to people like David Bahati in this interview.

Watch it for yourself. I’m appalled at the ignorance and applauding at her ability to stay calm (and even poke fun at herself at the end of the first clip).

 

Yaaaaay, Rachel!

Love,

N.

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